I know that you probably think that you’re being all kinds of sweet and charming, but I need to tell you a really big secret. Are you listening? Ok. Here’s the deal…

I do not really like it when you come straight out of the gate with the pet names and whatnot. You don’t get to call me “baby,” or any variation of “baby,” just because you happen to think I’m cute. I also know that I’m not alone feeling this way! I know lots of girls who are not charmed by this behavior at all!

I’m glad you think I’m cute. I dig that you think I’m fun to talk to and that you have a great time when I’m around. I take these things as the compliments that they are. However, while I may like you, while I may also enjoy your company, it does not mean I’m your baby! I promise that you’ll know for sure if you’re allowed to call me pet names. If you’re not sure, or I’ve never used one for you, then you’re not allowed.

Also, if we’re IMing or texting, or whatever … lay off the emoting that you’re snuggling up to me or kissing my nose or what the hell ever else it is you seem to think I’m going to think is so cute. It’s not cute. It kind of creeps me out. And if I happen to be trying to actually have a conversation with you, how about not mentioning how much you’d like to see my boobs.

I mean really!

A real friend is there for you when you have a hard time. They take the good with the bad. For every time you share a laugh with someone, there is going to be at least one time where you just can’t laugh, no matter how much you want to. A real friend understands this, and will stick by you even through the tears. Even when the tears come hard and fast and they can’t understand you through the sobbing. They’ll still be there to listen – no matter how hard a job that is. Maybe they’ll even “bubble” you.

A real friend understands when, sometimes, things just don’t work out the way that you want them to. Plans get made and sometimes have to be changed or canceled. Your friends may be very, very high on your priority list, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t certain things right up there with them on that list, or maybe even, slightly higher. If plans get changed or canceled for something else that is important, too, a real friend is understanding, and doesn’t make you feel guilty or judge or condemn you for it.

A real friend doesn’t say one thing to your face and another behind your back.

A real friend worries about you when you are sick. Not just because of how it might affect them, but because they actually care about you.

Why is it that people make substitutes for their swears? As in, saying “fudge” or “feck” or whatever in lieu of just outright saying “fuck?” I mean, let’s be honest here, there is a reason that all those substitute words still start with ‘f’ even if they aren’t the f-bomb. If you really don’t want to swear, then you know, don’t! Where you would have said “Aw, fuck it,” maybe you should say “Aw, forget it.” Because “Aw, feck it…” well, God still totally knows what you really meant there.

I mean, that and the fact that my spell-check reads “feck” as being a nonsense word, whereas it at least acknowledges that I’ve spelled “fuck” correctly.

Initially this conversation came up with one of my dearest friends, because she is a very devoutly religious person, and she never says swear words, but she has a whole list of substitution words. Feck, fudge, frak, freakin’, feckin’ — as you can see it mostly centers around the f-bomb.

Now, see… using “shoot” in lieu of “shit,” “darn” or “dang” in lieu of “damn” – these I all understand. I mean, at least they are recognized as being real words, and I can believe that they are the words you actually meant to use, rather than it being a matter of you replacing a word that you think is a bad word.

I’m not devoutly religious at all. I mean, if you can’t tell now that I’m a heathen, then I must be doing something wrong. I always say that I don’t have a lot of religion, but I do have a lot of faith. I do believe in a higher power, whether you call that God or whatever… I believe. I just also happen to believe that He/She/They/It … probably has a wonderful sense of humor, and probably doesn’t have a problem with words so much as the intent of those words.

If you say “Fuck you!” to someone, to be hurtful, I think that’s much worse than saying “Aw, fuck it,” because you’re fed up with something and are ready to give up. Greeting a friend with a nice warm “Howdy, fucker!” is not a bad thing, either. (Well, provided that your friend isn’t going to get offended, but then that comes down to intent again. If you have a friend that is going to be offended by that, you probably know that about them before you say it.)

And, then there is also the subject of where you’re using “foul language.” I can accept that it’s not polite to stand up in say, church, or a nice restaurant and say “Fuck yeah!” even though I would say that there is no negative intent there. It’s not good manners… but it’s not good manners because people around you are sure to be offended by it. Words have power, I believe that with all my heart. They have power if you let them have power.

But, when you’re at home and you bang your thumb with a hammer, and you say “FU…FUDGE!” … well, God totally knew what you really meant there. So what was the point?

Note: I would like to point out that I understand why parents of small children do this… particularly when they are apt to repeat what you say at inopportune moments.