Archive for the ‘Couldn't Make It Up If I Tried’ Category

So, Lindsay Lohan is pissed at paparazzi for asking if her baby sis had a boob job, two Georgia men claim they’ve bagged Bigfoot, and I have an extra hole in my ass.

I’m not sure which of these stories is stranger.

Actually, I’m kind of surprised as to how Lindsay didn’t expect to be asked this question, or worse ones, about her baby sister. You can’t put someone in the spotlight without the paparazzi and the tabloids ripping them to shreds. It just doesn’t happen. So I guess the Lohan story isn’t that out of left field, except for the fact that she sorta has a point: why was that dude so concerned about a 14-year-old’s boobs? Creeeeeeepy.

As far as the Bigfoot thing, well I’m from Missouri, show me. If it’s Bigfoot, I wanna see. The article on Yahoo News does include a link to these guys’ websites, but I have a sneaking suspicion their host wasn’t prepared for the kind of traffic that comes from being posted about in the news. Just wait til slashdot gets a hold of you.

But, are we serious about this? You “bagged” Bigfoot? “Have you been gargling bong water?”

I would go check out your photos of your popsicle Bigfoot, guys, but your site is busted.

Now about that ‘extra hole in my ass’ thing…

I went to the bathroom a little bit ago, as I am prone to doing now and then on any given day, and I closed the door without realizing that I had company. Company of the small, cute, furry-and-demonic variety. (I love my kittens, really I do!) And of course, like anyone going to the bathroom, I dropped my pants and went to have a seat… only, apparently a small, cute, furry-and-demonic companion that I wasn’t aware of had decided that right then was a good time to take a peek into the toilet bowl. You know, right before I sat down on it. This is, of course, perfect timing, right?

Well, sure it is, if you want to wind up with kitty claws in your butt cheek. She (Dixie) noticed my fat ass delicious derriere begin descending. I however, did not notice her at all, let alone the paw she raised into the air or the claws that proceeded to extend from said paw. Well, let’s just say, the yelp was probably heard at least 3-4 doors down. Never have I stood up off the toilet so fast, except for that one time in Alaska, where no one warned me that I may be boiling my buttocks if I sat down immediately after someone else had just been in there and flushed.

Ow. Just ow.

On a side note, I’m not having much luck with having incident-free trips to the bathroom lately, but that’s a story for another time… maybe when I’m too drunk to realize exactly what it is I’m telling you all about.