Ya know how girls in movies or on tv or whatever will wake up with a nasty hangover and have no idea whether or not they had sex the night before… ?

Yeah, I don’t get that. I get how it’s possible to not remember the events of the night before, but I always, always know whether or not I have had sex.

If there has been penetration, that’s the very first thing I know when I wake up. You know what happens? My little inner voice starts yapping at me… “Mornin’ Shelbs! Yeah, this is your cooch speaking. I don’t know what all you remember about last night, but just so ya know, you had sex!” Once, I woke up the morning after an obscene amount of drinking, naked in bed with a boy that was infinitely important to me, who I was once in love with, in fact… but I knew – because my cooch didn’t start yappin’ at me right away – that however it was that I got naked, there was no sex that night.

Now, maybe it’s me that’s weird. Maybe not every girl has that little inner voice that informs them about this type of shit. Maybe I’m crazy. Whatever the case, if I’ve had sex, I always feel the physical aftermath. Even if it was so completely lackluster that I don’t remember it. Even if my raging hangover makes me wish I would just go ahead and die…. and I don’t remember it.

So I bawled.

And now I can’t sleep.

So… HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY.

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think I realized it when I quoted Forrest Gump at the mental hospital and I saw you sit on your ‘My Little Pony’ collection. I’m sure you’re frostbitten enough to understand that I’m allergic to your earlobes. I’m returning your toe ring to you, but I’ll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard and I will haunt you when I am reincarnated as an Eskimo.

Best of luck on the sex change,
Shelbs.

No, I haven’t lost my mind. Technically speaking, I jotted this down in notepad one day when I had recently spoken to Boon. I haven’t spoken to Boon recently enough, though, at the moment if you ask me.

So anyway – here’s the answer to the great big “WTF” I’m sure you’re asking right now…

Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don’t really know how to tell you this,(1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I’m sure you’re (6) enough to understand (7). I’m returning your (8) to you, but I’ll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

(12),
(Your name)

1) What’s the colour of your shirt?
Blue – I’m in love with your cat
Red – Our affair is over
White – I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don’t match
Grey – You’re a leprechaun
Yellow – I’m selling myself for candy
Pink – Your nostrils are insulting
Brown – The mafia wants you
No shirt – Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January – That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forrest Gump
March – When your dwarf bit me
April – When I tripped on peanut butter
May – When I threw up in your sock drawer
June – When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August – When you smacked my ass
September – Last year when you peed your pants
October – When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November – When your dog humped my leg
December – When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos – When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
Chicken- In your car
Pasta – Outside of your office
Hamburgers – Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagne – In your closet
Kebab – With Jean Chrétien
Fish – In a clown suit
Sandwiches – At the Elton John concert
Pizza – At the mental hospital
Hot dog – Under a street light
Other – With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What’s the colour of your socks?
Yellow – Ignore
Red – Put whipped cream on
Black – Hit on
Blue – Knock out
Purple – Pour syrup on
White – Carve your initials into
Grey – Pull the clothes off
Brown – bit of
Orange – Castrate
Pink – Pull the pants off of
Barefoot – Sit on
Other – Drive over

5) What’s the colour of your underwear?
Black – My boyfriend
White – My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple – My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue – My salt-beef bucket
Yellow – My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange – My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other –The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill – Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost – High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news – Scarred
American Idol – Masochistic
Family Guy – Open
Top Model – Middle-class
Other -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy – How awful you are
Sad – How boring you are
Bored – That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry – That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited – That I may pee my pants
Nervous – The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried – That your Ford sucks
Apathetic – That you need a sex-change
Silly – That I’m allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly – That Santa doesn’t exist
Ashamed – That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other – That your driving sucks

8) What’s the colour of your walls in your bedroom?
White – Your toe ring
Yellow – Your love letters to me
Red – The pictures from Vegas
Black – Your pet rock
Blue – The couch cushions
Green – Your car
Orange – Your false teeth
Brown – Your nose hair clippers
Grey – Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple – Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink – The cut toenails
Other – Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B – My virginity
C/D – Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F – Your neighbours dog
G/H – The oil tank from your car
I/J – Your left ear
K/L – The results of that blood-sample
M/N – Your glass eye
O/P – My common sense
Q/R – Your mom
S/T – Your collection of butterflies
U/V – Your criminal record
W/X – Your suicide note
Y/Z – Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B – Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D – Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L – Hate your cooking
M/N – Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P – Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R – Always wanted to break your legs
S/T – Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V – Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X – Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk – The apartment building is on fire
Water – I’m scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey – I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia – Best of luck on the sex change
France – Love always
Spain – With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan – Go milk a cow
Greece – Your everlasting enemy
USA – Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England – Go drown yourself.

So the holidays were nice. I was surrounded by people I care about, and though there were a few missing pieces of my puzzle, I had a good time. At least, I think I did.

Of course, there are some legitimate reasons that I feel blue… but if I had a set of scales to weigh the positives and the negatives, the scales would be significantly weighed down on the positive side. Still, I’m finding myself unable to focus on the positives lately. Doom & gloomy me.

I’ve been watching friends of mine go through much harder times than me, unable to do anything about any of it. Sometimes however much you want to you just can’t help. I know that “sympathy pains” are sort of part of what’s wrong with me, but I also know that’s not all there is to it.

I’m tired of being sick and tired. I’m unhappy being unhappy all the damn time.

I’m working really hard to get a project done for KH, because it’s long overdue, and it’s been one hell of an exercise in remembering how to work with CSS/XHTML. It’s long overdue, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been bustin’ my butt. I’m way out of practice.

Not that I’m what I would consider a “pro” at it, anyway, but I do love coding/designing.

Oh, and speaking of design work… I would never charge someone $700 for a template for a blog or whatever, unlike some design company I just ran into would/does. Are you shitting me? “Non-exclusve” but $700?! A whole grand if you do want it to be exclusive, but what if someone bought it non-exclusive before you decided to buy it exclusive? Does that mean you wind up paying 1k for something that someone else has anyway? Or does the design company go and demand that the other person/s rip down their templates. I wouldn’t do this even if I were a pro! Geeze.

Anyway, back to work for me.