No, I haven’t lost my mind. Technically speaking, I jotted this down in notepad one day when I had recently spoken to Boon. I haven’t spoken to Boon recently enough, though, at the moment if you ask me.

So anyway – here’s the answer to the great big “WTF” I’m sure you’re asking right now…

Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don’t really know how to tell you this,(1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I’m sure you’re (6) enough to understand (7). I’m returning your (8) to you, but I’ll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

(12),
(Your name)

1) What’s the colour of your shirt?
Blue – I’m in love with your cat
Red – Our affair is over
White – I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don’t match
Grey – You’re a leprechaun
Yellow – I’m selling myself for candy
Pink – Your nostrils are insulting
Brown – The mafia wants you
No shirt – Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January – That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forrest Gump
March – When your dwarf bit me
April – When I tripped on peanut butter
May – When I threw up in your sock drawer
June – When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August – When you smacked my ass
September – Last year when you peed your pants
October – When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November – When your dog humped my leg
December – When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos – When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
Chicken- In your car
Pasta – Outside of your office
Hamburgers – Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagne – In your closet
Kebab – With Jean Chrétien
Fish – In a clown suit
Sandwiches – At the Elton John concert
Pizza – At the mental hospital
Hot dog – Under a street light
Other – With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What’s the colour of your socks?
Yellow – Ignore
Red – Put whipped cream on
Black – Hit on
Blue – Knock out
Purple – Pour syrup on
White – Carve your initials into
Grey – Pull the clothes off
Brown – bit of
Orange – Castrate
Pink – Pull the pants off of
Barefoot – Sit on
Other – Drive over

5) What’s the colour of your underwear?
Black – My boyfriend
White – My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple – My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue – My salt-beef bucket
Yellow – My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange – My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other –The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill – Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost – High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news – Scarred
American Idol – Masochistic
Family Guy – Open
Top Model – Middle-class
Other -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy – How awful you are
Sad – How boring you are
Bored – That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry – That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited – That I may pee my pants
Nervous – The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried – That your Ford sucks
Apathetic – That you need a sex-change
Silly – That I’m allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly – That Santa doesn’t exist
Ashamed – That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other – That your driving sucks

8) What’s the colour of your walls in your bedroom?
White – Your toe ring
Yellow – Your love letters to me
Red – The pictures from Vegas
Black – Your pet rock
Blue – The couch cushions
Green – Your car
Orange – Your false teeth
Brown – Your nose hair clippers
Grey – Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple – Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink – The cut toenails
Other – Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B – My virginity
C/D – Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F – Your neighbours dog
G/H – The oil tank from your car
I/J – Your left ear
K/L – The results of that blood-sample
M/N – Your glass eye
O/P – My common sense
Q/R – Your mom
S/T – Your collection of butterflies
U/V – Your criminal record
W/X – Your suicide note
Y/Z – Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B – Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D – Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L – Hate your cooking
M/N – Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P – Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R – Always wanted to break your legs
S/T – Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V – Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X – Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk – The apartment building is on fire
Water – I’m scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey – I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia – Best of luck on the sex change
France – Love always
Spain – With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan – Go milk a cow
Greece – Your everlasting enemy
USA – Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England – Go drown yourself.

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